"Now and Forever" Sunday August 12th, 2007

This is tough to say because I am probably not in the right frame of mind for it, but I want everyone to know that for the reasonable future, I will be taking a break from the comic. It's not forever. I will take back up the pen and paper to finish this story as promised, but for now I just need time to sort out my mind which is a mess right now.

Unfortunately things that I had successfully filed away into the back recesses of my mind were forced to come out and though time has blunted the most intense of the pain there really is a whole other level there that I wasn't aware of. Even though it's been a year and a half, my life never moved past that day. I didn't let myself because to do so would be to come to grips with things and it was too hard then. I mean it's hard as hell now and I've had a year and a half of building up some sort of distance from it. It's weird because I remember sitting on the couch and almost physically feeling something switch off in my mind. I mean pain dulled, tears dried up, and everything felt better. Now that the switch was flicked back on, this past year and a half feels like a dream of sorts. I mean none of it seems real. Seems like I should get up and head into SU to go to work tomorrow. Feels like I should...

Sorry, but some of the hard parts of a relationship ending are being reminded of things that will never happen again and for a year and a half I was protecting myself from thoughts like that. I think most of you know that. I think most of you know how I feel because you yourself have been though it. Sadly for all of us involved, I am not special for feeling this way at all.

It's weird because things I thought time would help with didn;t turn out that way. I remember thinking about drawing the comic or playing City of Heroes and just feeling sick to my stomach. I thought that was something that was happening because of the shock of what had happened, but it's weird to feel that exact churning in my stomach thinking of doing either of those things. It actually feels like I am distancing myself from the situation again, but every time that happens I force myself back into focus. The pain makes things clear again.

I don't want people to worry about me like they did last time. I will handle this. Even though my life hasn't moved forward since that day in early April 2006, I slowly built myself up for this moment. It's something most of us have learned to move on from and I don't want to not be able to do what you've all done...

Okay it's going to be tough for the rest of August since I was supposed to fly up to Syracuse for ten days then, but that's obviously out of the question now. However each of those ten days are going to be a reminder of bad things. The stop shaving, stop eating, stop everything type of roughness. Maybe it won't be, but I think the fact that eating a $160 ticket for not taking the trip will add insult on top of injury. I savor it only because I am giddy with pain I suppose. I think it's the "why not" or "when it rains, it pours" phase of pain. We all do it I think. Something bad happens, but then something else gets added to the pile and it just gets heavier and heavier. I'll try and post filler of stuff I've done in the past, but I won't promise anything. It took almost 6 hours to try and get tot he point where I threw up this art you see above. (It was meant for a top secret NS project)

Okay I need to stop because I need to lay down and stare at my ceiling and hurt like any good person does. Thanks for being understanding like you all always are. I really appreciate everything you guys have done and continue to do for me just because I draw this little webcomic. I'll be back for you.